I'm moving the countdown clock up to the top!

So, yes, everybody is sick to death of my constant, incessant talk about school, homework, papers, tests, etc.......  I'm certain the talk about the end of school is now about to drive more than one friend screaming into the street.  Ah well.  Such is life.  I have no apology and I'm not planning to stop talking about it......because it means that much to me.  Let me go back......I graduated from High School in 1990.  College was never a question...until I suppose the day my  family split apart my Jr. year and suddenly some of life's more harsh realities crept in. I'll save that whole story for the book I've been urged to write, though.  When I went to Santa Barbara, I didn't do so well.  It was fun.  The clubs, the fake ID, the house parties and the friends became my life and when I left there with a 0.75 GPA, I headed to the Haight and turned bad habits into more of a, well, a lifestyle.  At some point, generally marked by the entrance of Brian into my life, I began what ended up to be a long process known as "making better choices."  We went to school together, we found ourselves together (although he had much less finding to do than I did!)  and we made a wonderful little family.  I'll say without hesitation that I think I'm a good mom and I have more love for these kids than I sometimes know what to do with.  But I wasn't a terrific stay-at-home mom either.  It occurred to me that rather than "just" stay home, I should take that opportunity to finish school.  Let me clarify...by "finish" I really meant "do most of it."  In retrospect, I sometimes wonder if I made that choice while still under the influence of labor and delivery drugs.  I will say for sure that I made it while I still took the blessed beauty of what I remember calling "naptime" for granted.  I started and I stopped.  I felt confident and I felt stupid.  I felt overwhelmed.  Mostly, soon into all of this, I ended up feeling loss. Most everybody knows that I lost I mom just ten days in to 2003.  I don't know if everybody knows that this is the woman that instilled in me the great, great majority of who I am today.  She, alone, is responsible for this relentless drive I have carried deep inside my soul to get an education.  She taught me the importance of educated women, of being myself.  (Women as recently as her own grandmother still didn't see the point in education for women.)  I watched her receive two degrees, and I saw the purest, truest fulfillment and pride that I had ever seen.  I will never, ever forget those two moments. I saw something that I wanted for myself, and that honestly, I wasn't sure I was capable of.  I'm not sure I ever really "finished" anything while she was alive.  Unfortunately, when she died, I was "taking a break" from school, and she rightly feared it would be permanent.  She coaxed a promise out of me, just one month before she died, that I would go back to school.  Mind you, life had changed and the carefree days Brian and I spent in the parking lot of our local community college were long gone.  Two babies, and a struggle to keep the rent paid in a dot-com-bubble-bursting-world weighed heavily.  So, of course, me being me, thought this was the right time to go back to school.  I can't say now that it was the best decision or the right time, but I can't say it wasn't either.  After I lost my mom I lived moment-to-moment, until many months later I realized I had begun living day-to-day.  If you haven't suffered profound, life-altering loss like losing your mom or your very oxygen, you probably don't know what an ardently significant shift that is.  It has taken me many years, but she wouldn't have cared a bit. I have, with this, both finished something important and kept my last, most significant promise to the woman that I owe my very  life to.
And then there's my family.  I owe this at least as much to them.  Clearly, I am the one about to hold the prize, but I cannot say this loudly or often enough:  My family has made this possible.  I don't mean this obscurely or as a meager tribute.  I mean this outright, in every possible way.  Brian has worked while I have had the honor and priviledge of going to school.  He has changed diapers, cleaned up vomit, read stories, tucked in, did homework, cooked, played, kept busy, distracted, disciplined, trick-or-treated, band-aided, refereed, and fed while I locked myself up with books and took trains downtown.  He has done all of this with unbelievably little complaint on no sleep and after 16 hour work days.  He has done this knowing full well that I am not seeking a degree and a life that will earn our family any great amount of money.  
Riley and Zoe have beens shushed, trick-or-treated, set in front of DVD's, sent out to play, to bed, on hikes, to the beach, to friends' and to grandma's without mom.  I literally don't know how to express my gratitude to these selfless, giving, loving, supportive people.  They have never asked for a second of any of it back. I think this is much more accurate than any dictionary definition of "love."
I have grown up in the course of earning this degree.  I have gained an incredible family. I have lost my mom (and most other family members, actually). I have gained a sister.  I have gained and regained lifelong sister-friends. These things are the pulp of my life. 
 Each one of these events and people represents an utterly vital section of my heart.  They have happened to me and for me along the way.  It is because my history has happened the way it has, that I have become myself. There was really a time when I didn't think I was smart, strong or committed enough to do half of what this degree represents to me.  I do not feel weaker because of the help I have taken along the way, I feel loved.  I feel smart in that I had enough sense to rely on the people that believe in me and I trusted them when I didn't trust myself. I feel proud of myself for finishing something (something hard!) and for doing it really well.  I am not exaggerating or giving my version of an acceptance speech when I say that I am utterly consumed with gratitude.  I literally could not have come so far in my search for betterment without these people.  

Words from wise women other than me. Again.

Again...here is another succinct, important piece from some really wise women. This was sent to me by one of my most highly esteemed role models...a woman that I respect and admire tremendously, and a woman that I can only try to emulate in my daily life and choices. She has never, ever actually sent me a such an email...she is much too thoughtful, wise and kind to pass on excess email and words that clutter to her family and friend's hearts, minds and inboxes with anything remotely unimportant, trashy, divisive, or as she would say "incendiary"...particularly when these things reflect the (sometimes necessary, utterly common and often questionable) tactics pertaining to the evils of politics.

So here is what she sent me, below. My conscious dictates that I answer this call personally, and that I make an effort to push it further along the highway.


Friends, compatriots, fellow-lamenters,

We are writing to you because of the fury and dread we have felt since
the announcement of Sarah Palin as the Vice-Presidential candidate for
the Republican Party. We believe that this terrible decision has
surpassed mere partisanship, and that it is a dangerous farce on the
part of a pandering and rudderless Presidential candidate that has a
real possibility of becoming fact.

Perhaps like us, as American women, you share the fear of what Ms.
Palin and her professed beliefs and proven record could lead to for
ourselves and for our daughters. To date, she is against sex education,
birth control, the pro-choice platform,
environmental protection, alternative energy development, freedom of
speech (as mayor she wanted to ban books and attempted to fire the
librarian who stood against her), gun control, the separation of
church and state, and polar bears. To say nothing of her complete lack
of real preparation to become the second-most-powerful person on the
planet.
We want to clarify that we are not against Sarah Palin as a woman, a
mother, or, for that matter, a parent of a pregnant teenager, but
solely as a rash, incompetent, and all together devastating choice for
Vice President. Ms. Palin's political views are in every way a slap in
the face to the accomplishments that our mothers and grandmothers and
great-grandmothers so fiercely fought for, and that we've so
demonstrably benefited from.

First and foremost, Ms. Palin does not represent us. She does not
demonstrate or uphold our interests as American women. It is presumed
that the inclusion of a woman on the Republican ticket could win over
women voters. We want to disagree, publicly.

Therefore, we invite you to reply here with a short, succinct message
about why you, as a woman living in this country, do not support this
candidate as second-in-command for our nation.

Please include your name (last initial is fine), age, and place of residence.

We will post your responses on a blog called "Women Against Sarah
Palin," which we intend to publicize as widely as possible. Please
send us your reply at your earliest convenience the greater the volume
of responses we receive, the stronger our message will be.

Thank you for your time and action.

VIVA!

Sincerely,

Quinn Latimer and Lyra Kilston
New York, NY
womensaynopalin@gmail.com

Eve Ensler: Drill, Drill, Drill

I think digg is pretty much one of the greatest tools found on the highway. After doing the Nancy Pelosi cnn.com/digg thing at the DNC and spending a few days pretending that I actually knew and was familiar with digg, I decided that I had better investigate. Now....I regret being so thoroughly unimpressed and declining the digg guy photo-op. Ahh well. The point I am getting at is that Eve Ensler, the author of this article is my official hero of the day! She has taken all the concerns and thoughts milling around in my head about the nomination of Sarah Palin and accurately and concisely and put them into a meaningful journalistic dialog. I WANT to love Sarah Palin.....I WANT to vote for a mom.....but as Eve points out, it's not feminist or progressive to support somebody based on their gender alone. Let's all commit this to our feminist/progressive/women's consciousness: Just because somebody looks like a candidate we want to elevate, this doesn't pre-empt actual qualifications like experience and judgement.

I didn't write the following article, but someday may I have the insight, intelligence, and journalistic capability to write a piece like this. Please read it, if only you do it for me.

Eve Ensler: Drill, Drill, Drill

I am a Feminist and have spent my life trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence against them. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of Feminists.But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism....

read more | digg story

Blogging will change the world...

An unlikely headline coming from the queen of all blog disappointment? I know......I am aware of the true irony and hypocrisy of that statement as authored by yours truly.

As most of my three faithful followers (that's three including myself) are aware, I recently lived in the world of journalism for one week. That week was a crash course in journalism - specifically digital journalism - and forced me to acknowledge the potential reality of this idea as a sort of subset of my experience with the CNN DNC team. The idea of the public-at-large all having equal access to the eyes, minds and hearts of the public-at-large has generally seemed ridiculous to me in terms of a legitimate, viable, accurate, and worthy avenue of information gathering. You know......opinions...everybody's got one. But really....aren't I exhausted by and leery of the infantile, corporate-sponsored, spoon-fed mind-washing experiment in manipulation and social control that we accept as "breaking news"? Why am I so quick to relegate the average's Joe's experience and insight to pure opinionated drivel? Aren't we collectively supposed to be in control? And isn't it "our" opinions, insights, experiences that drive our present and our future...? Aren't "we the people" really the only voices that truly matter? How many of us have noticed that as we have been losing our civic and political voice, it has corresponded to one whopping case of collective laryngitis in terms of mainstream awareness and access to news and information that actually matters?

Do not get me wrong for one minute...it was literally one of the most thrilling weeks in my history. Working in what I now generally think of as in large part the entertainment industry was fun and will serve me well one day when some power thirsty gate-keeper sits at a desk with my resume in hand. I am fortunate beyond belief that I got to be there and that I got to look and feel important. I felt powerful too....like I had some small part in being the decider of what, how and when some important piece of information would get disseminated. (Not that I actually had any of this power personally, but it was definitely hanging around in the air. With enough tenacity and patience, I could certainly make it to occupy one of those big decider chairs.)

I am still feeling my through this whole idea. I'm going to sleep on some more of it and come back tomorrow...now that I know I am going to change the world in one more way.

I still suck at blogging! Oh well........my kids are having a fun summer and I've been having fun not getting my homework done! I need to bring my camera out soon.....


In the meantime.....here is a link to pictures from Zoe's recital on our family page:

http://homepage.mac.com/moniquems/PhotoAlbum42.html

I've got the greatest neighbors in the free world. How lucky can one girl be? (I'm guessing that I must be starting to sound like I'm on a prolonged prozac high, but actually I'm not.) But I'm so touched....Sarah gave me crap about my poor blogging habits! She noticed and wants me to put up more random thoughts! Ok....so Sarah I have something specific to say to you alongside my humble appreciation for you sweet smile and your gentle reminder to pull my head out: When I am chairing our new MRC HOA, you will be appointed co-chair! OK, so maybe it won't run like a dictatorship, but I will be nominating and endorsing you. Get ready. I'm gonna put Brian on campaign graphics......

And, what is up with me today.....I haven't mentioned my man Obama's history making and totally awesome victory over that Hillary until the second paragraph of today's scribblings! I guess I haven't really spoken too much here about my total conviction, faith and belief in that man. I truly, wholeheartedly and completely believe that he can repair much damage done to the American way of life and our hard-fought civil liberties, to our international reputation, and to the restoration of our collective democratic voice and identity. I'm taking a Civil Liberties class this summer.....so, I'm sure there's more to come on that topic in the coming days.... For this week I'm satisfied to see the imminent beginning of the end...

My kiddos are sleeping in today! And it's a school day! Aack...I just noticed the time.......I've got to get them up and gone so I can throughly appreciate my last few days of mid-day tranquility and peace.

Mothers Day

Okay, Okay...I admit it. I finally gave in to the whole dorky social networking thing. Among re-connecting with some old friends - and contrary to what Brian thinks, I am not actually searching the internet for old boyfriends (insert eye-roll here) I'm hoping I can get in on the ground level with spying on my future teenagers. I realize that as long as the public library and their friends have computers they will have facebook and myspace accounts, whether I allow it or not. Sigh. So, here is my public admission of true mid-thirties dorkiness:



And the most important note of the day: Happy Mothers Day to all my momma and would-be momma and motherless and grandmotherless friends! I love you!


For my own momma.....every day is Mother's Day in my heart. Once again, I will close my eyes tonight and hope to drift back to another day that might have her voice, her arms, her love. In the meantime, I will keep honoring and sharing her the only way that I can: http://homepage.mac.com/moniquems/PhotoAlbum19.html

For my unbelievable kids...they gave me soooooo much today. I can't begin to express how their handmade cards and Riley's potted flower and Zoe's bookmark and their words filled me. THIS IS what life is about. WHAT would I do without my precious, precious treasures Riley and Zoe? How would my happiness be full? They woke me up at 7 this morning - it might as well have been Christmas to them. My kids make me feel like an angel. They are beautiful. I am lucky. I am loved.

Aside from that....it's back to the paper. I'm sooooo totally OKAY with it today.

Namaste, friends.

P.S. No, I did not spike my coffee this morning.